Adapting The Dream.

   Life has been rolling along here, just as we do. But it doesn't look like we thought it would. Not at all.
   Aaron's not walking these days because he's coping with the pain from having two sciatic nerve neuromas and/or weaning/managing with narcotics he doesn't usually take. Outside of the occasionally pill to help him sleep through his pain, he doesn't take pain killers. It's not good for him or our family, so he limits his use. This often leads to days spent in pain, but the alternative is not really doing much besides lounging around the house. He could have surgery for the neuromas but that comes with its own price, too. None of this is very convenient  for our little family but we will make do.
   I was talking with another caregiver the other day and we weren't being entirely hyperbolic when we made comments about how long our children will get their fathers. Will they have them longer than the Army did? Will AJ have Aaron longer than I had my dad? I don't go to that place often, but it's a very real fear that creeps into my nightmares sometimes. It most often happens when Aaron's been gone for awhile, so as long as he's here, I sleep a little better.
   But while AJ and I sleep, Aaron does not. He is so tired. I can see it. This nerve pain is just stacking onto his back pain. I don't know what to do. He doesn't oversleep, thank god, but a lot of the time I know he's just bone-tired but up anyway. He wants to be around AJ. He wants to at least hang out with her and watch cartoons. So you know, we have the TV going a little more than we planned on with AJ, but it helps. She plays nearby and stops to cuddle with the best daddy in the world every so often and watch Mickey do his thing. Although, between 9-11 is time for Wayne Brady and Drew Carey. AJ largely ignores this block and plays in her kitchen by throwing everything everywhere.

 We are trying. We went out for Halloween, out on a date! And we had a great time! We got to hang out with some old friends we never see. We had a sitter and everything went well. We are also going to put AJ in part-time day care; I just have to stop retching at the cost. It's a full time day care with all the bells and whistles of that, so the part-time rate is a little high. But we'll make it work. AJ needs to other friends besides her weirdo parents.

 The house is coming along. We had plans, GREAT plans, and now they will serve as a coloring book for AJ. We can't afford them. So we picked new ones. I REALLY, REALLY hope we can break ground this year. We are so ready.

We're ready for the rest of our lives, I just don't know what that exactly looks like anymore. We have adapted and compromised a million times; it's like living in a Picasso painting at this point. Still beautiful, just all jumbled. And some days, we just want to feel normal.