1. Sperm analysis, one in June which could be a "yes" or a "maybe" and another one later, six months after beginning Clomid, which could be a "probably not" or "yes." Any further ones usually display the same results as the second analysis, so we will decide then whether or not to emotionally torture ourselves for another three months or call it a day.
1a. If the sperm is stable, it will be frozen. Yay!
1b. If the sperm is not stable, it will hopefully be matched with my eggs and embryos will be frozen. Yay! And where do my eggs come from? Onto the next step...
So, concurrent with steps 1-1b:
1a-1. I will get checked out and make sure my pipes are clear and my oven (uterus) compliant.
1a-2. I will go through hormones and egg extraction, hopefully this summer! The referral to see the specialist was supposed to be put in but of course, it was not because referrals can never be put in correctly the first time. Inconsistency is consistent.
2. Embryos will be made and frozen if good.
3. In a few years, we will attempt to nestle an embryo inside my uterus.
4. 9 months after that, we attempt to begin to raise a baby. Whoo!
Seriously, how many more variables could we rely on to make this work? We hope his sperm is stable enough for freezing. We hope my body responds to the hormones and I eject many healthy eggs. We hope that if his sperm is not stable, embryos will be made and they will be good enough to freeze. And we hope that in two-three years everything still works and a baby will grow inside of me and then wa-la, we will be bio-parents. That is waaaaaaay too much hope for my personal comfortable level, to be honest. Hope kills. Hope doesn't have to deliver- it just has to be a prayer. I am not comfy with that, but that's just me. So, so many things are dependent upon timing and the idea that biologically, everything is working and will continue to work until we don't need it to work anymore (preferably after a baby has been baked and delivered).
And if it doesn't work and the eggs have already been extracted? I'll donate them. Not that anyone would want them, but I'd rather not just have them destroyed. And why are we waiting? Because I think 34 is a wonderful age to bring a baby into this world, especially for us. We both KNOW that having a baby now or soon would be recklessly stupid of us. A few more years of getting our whole lives figured out and we should be good to go. You know, like most people do in their early 20s after college, not early 30s (mid for Aaron now... heehee) after a freaking devastating war injury. Awesome.
And yeah, I get that the hormone shots aren't "that bad" but I am one of those needle-avoiding persons who still cries at ALL shots. I am not excited in any way, shape, or form about this egg extracting process and all the drugs that go with it. I'm already off my very functional birth control pill and not enjoying it. Maybe it's TMI for you guys, but I'm having the revenge period from hell. Anyone who has stopped a pill that was doing a great job knows what I am talking about. My damn uterus is out to kill me. Little does she know that once she does her job or we figure out there will be no baby to bake, she will be put out of service forever. Bwa-haha. I've discussed her inability to function properly before, so I figure you guys get the gist: she has rarely done well without birth control, and even that's been hit and miss. Oh, I got diagnosed with a fibroid at my last "wtf is wrong with me" appointment. So a cyst and a fibroid within the past year. I am pretty sure I've had more cysts but they are cyclical so hard to catch. Whatever. I can't do a damn thing about any of this, apparently. And of course, none of this is a big deal to the doctors and nurses and "these things just sometimes happen." I've had unexplained problems since I was a teen. Why would I think it would get better or be treatable in my 30s? Let's not start trying new things now, right?!
I am sure my sense of humor is sick and offensive, but what the hell do we have left in this process? Cause I've cried it out and Aaron has hashed it out and really, it's either going to work or it's not. We will absolutely, definitely adopt and perhaps we start the whole thing of eggs and sperm, and realize that we don't care to bake a baby at all and everyone goes on their merry way, AND THEN one day we find our kid through adoption. At this point, it's out of our hands. We are about to be doing all we can with this. And I'm okay with that.
One of my best friends got married in Vermont a week or so ago, and it was awesome. I also still need to post about the USO-Metro Awards Gala. I will. I just need to get my shit together this week. Love and hugs, guys. Have good weeks!
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