Right now.

Drowning in school work but emerging out of the end-of-term haze okay. We'll see how much I suffered when grades come back. Adding "student" to the list of identifiers was probably one of the crazier things I've done lately.

Also, some roadside assistance chump fried our brand- new Volvo XC60. Aaron had left a piece of his adaptive equipment on when he was done driving it for the first time a few days ago and drained the battery. No biggie, he called roadside for a good charge. The guy got the clamps backwards on the posts! He put negative to positive!!!!! It apparently smoked and sparked for more than a second and now the electrical system is completely messed up. Volvo isn't even sure if they can fix it. Now I keep thinking that even if they do, our car will always act crazy and this will be an on-going issue. So. Livid. Who does that?! I learned to jump a car properly when I started driving at 17. OMG. WTF.

My phone got mad at the beach and quit working, but Apple Care is amazing. The home button not working was the big issue, so I got a new phone. Apple Care paid for itself right there.

Lastly- people should be able to marry each other. Period. All these preachy, hateful religious folk messing up my facebook is grating on my nerves. If they want to go all Old Testament, then fine, but live by every rule. Don't take one "rule" literally and not all the others. I personally like to focus on the message of LOVE and ACCEPTANCE, but then I'm just another commie liberal feminist, aren't I? Boo to hate. Not cool. And who out there is qualified to be the supreme ruler decider on what God meant in the Bible anyway? Man wrote it, not God. And last I checked, humans can be pretty unreliable. Jesus was about the good stuff in life. Interracial marriage was banned in several state constitutions because it was deemed immoral and nutjobs back then quoted the Bible about that, too. And women voting. So, um, yeah. Way to go, progress.

Now back to that paper on the rainforest people...

Small Talk.

I can't do it. I've always been bad at it. I'd rather scratch a chalkboard with my own nails. I've been listening to myself more and I realize that I tend to talk about interesting things as opposed to the weather. I talk a lot. I can be loud and I'm definitely not scared easily. I do well in groups. But there's a part of me that can be such an introvert. I just don't want to waste time talking to people I won't see again. I don't want anyone to ask me how I'm doing because I want to be honest when I answer. Getting services done are torture. The nail tech: "So, are you from here?" "No." "Okay, where are you from?" "Alabama." "Why are you here?" "Because my husband and I live at the military hospital." "Why?" "He was blown up."

Do you see? I try not to get into it. No one wants to know about rotting flesh, gooey wounds, stitches, twitches, and sleepless nights. No one really needs to know that I am sore from top to bottom because I spent the last weekend lifting a wheelchair in and out of the rental van about 50 times. If small talk was hard for me before, it's nearly impossible now.

I think the real problem is that I just want to be honest. I don't want to waste my breath telling people that everything is fine, oh life's grand, isn't the weather nice, did you read the new bestseller... blah, blah, blah. If I'm not going to be engaging, if the conversation isn't going to be worth having, then I just don't want to bother. At all. Hand in hand, this goes with fluff blog posts. Some are great, but the perfect blog gets old. There are only so many recipes, fashion themes, guest posts, product reviews, and Pinterest posts (dear god, someone stop the Pinterest) out there. It just all becomes empty at some point. I don't care about summer drinks, tell me about your life! I guess I feel the same way about small talk.

Anyone else feel this way?

Vroom Vroom Husband!

Eight months ago today Aaron almost died and lost so much more than just limbs and fingers. But today he said "suck it" to another anniversary with another huge milestone: HE DROVE! The vehicle adaptations took forever, but it's all done now and he has this simple freedom back! Bit by little bit, inch by stupid inch, he is regaining personal freedom so many take for granted. Suck it, big world. You're ours.

There's not a reason...

... for everything. There isn't. I don't care if it's your religion or own personal philosophy, but everything does not happen for a reason. Jesus was not there with my husband eight months ago today when he nearly died. I can accept divine intervention on behalf of the fact that he made it through, but you can't tell me God set in motion the events that lead to the single most devastating event in our lives. Not the God and Jesus I was raised to believe in, anyway.

And to say that everything happens for a reason to people who have experienced true pain is just rude. But my only reply is that it simply must be so nice to be so blind and stupid. As is passing any judgment, but that's another post.

Back and forth.

This past week we took a Veterans Airlift Command flight to attend the EOD Memorial and Ball in Destin, FL. I could wax poetic about what it felt like to be there and hear all the names of EOD technicians fallen in battle, but it isn't about that. All that mattered is that Aaron's name was not one of the 18 new additions to the memorial wall. I am eternally grateful every moment of every day that he was just another technician in attendance to honor his fallen comrades. The only part I absolutely couldn't handle were the video montages of the fallen. I left the dinner area both times it happened. After the ball, we drank entirely too much, danced on stage, and stayed out too late. The pilot and plane owner (and therefore donor of the flight) had us over on Saturday for jet skis and barbecue. I am so grateful for what these people are willing to do for wounded warriors. Also, the jet skiing was literally the first normal thing Aaron's done since he was injured. No adaptations, no having to figure it out; legs just weren't necessary for him to completely control the machine. It was pretty moving. I also truly, wholly relaxed for the first time in well... I can't tell you when. Even one of the other wives took notice of my calmer demeanor. It was such a blessing of a weekend.

I've been around a lot less lately as I've been thinking about my life, who I am, and what is going to happen next. I feel like my entire life has been one transitory, temporary situation after another with little to no stability. For the best several years I have managed to forge a few stable friendships and determined which college (and older) relationships are worth attention now and beyond. I'm a crazily loyal person and used to think that yearly visits were in order to maintain best friendships. Now I know that isn't so, but there a few folks I have to see every so often to keep my sanity in check. As with most people, my circle of friends does keep shrinking as the quality improves. Military life is counter-intuitive to this since every few years you have to start over somewhere, and my whole "adult" life has been like that. I left my hometown at 20, left the college town five years later, left Atlanta three years after that, stopped over in Germany for less than half a year before my year-long stint at Drum began and then ended rather abruptly. We've pretty much decided to settle here in the DC metro area and now I have to figure out how to navigate that. At some point I need to forge some friendships outside of this hospital. I won't be part of the military life for very much longer (if I can even call this hospital life part of the military lifestyle), so I should incorporate more civilian aspects of the world around me into my personal existence.

Turning 30 become a lot more introspective than I thought it would be. I don't usually think a lot about getting old; in fact, my birthdays in the past have been marred by depressing events in my life, from dead dog to heartbreak in various forms. I suppose the entry into my third decade colliding with the single most life-altering event of my life most likely has more to do with my current self-reflection than actually turning 30. Thirty is the new twenty, but I would be remiss to not mention that "the youth is wasted on the young." I've always known a bit too much about all of the world's worst offerings for any age without possessing the social skills that seem to get most people through the "next stage" of life. Whatever that means.

Eventually, I'll get over all the mistakes I've made- especially within the past year- and learn to live and let go. No one is ever going to be harder on me than myself. As I begin to process exactly why I've been difficult I have also come to the conclusion that holy shit, life really took a shit on me, my husband, and everyone who loves us. I felt like I couldn't control anything in my life so my natural reaction was to be as pissed as I wanted needed to be at everything that wasn't just in our world. I also tend to hold a grudge and keep a short list of People I Will Never Like And Will Question Anyone Who Is Friends With Them, and that list grew this past year. I'm ridiculous, I know, but it helps me to add a name (or two or four) to the list and move on. I'm getting better at that part. I eventually make myself sick of it.

My feelings are ultimately the only thing I've ever been able to claim. I saw and experienced violence and abuse so that I eventually learned that no one can make claim on who I am (whoever that is). It's my mind, and I'm not backing down. I suppose this is why I've kept a diary of sorts since elementary school. All this tragedy with Aaron has definitely spun my emotions out of control so for a little while I couldn't control anything in my life, except maybe anger. At the end of the day it's better to lose control of my adoration and appreciation of the best kinds of folks, from the endless love I feel for my husband to my mad respect for the true friends in my life.

I also turned off the Nine Inch Nails and started listening to one of my favorite albums again, Tom Petty's Wildflowers. I've figured out the edge is always there, so I need to introduce softer things into my life more often.

Have great weeks, everyone! I'll be drowning in school work and probably still won't finish it all.

Doing alright.

I cut the sleeves off of a light black and sliver plaid shirt to give myself something a little more summery. I'm pretty pleased with my work. I also read my psychology chapter outside and had a productive therapy session. And never underestimate a friend's ability to give you a light-bold moment!

We leave for the beach tomorrow for the EOD Memorial and Ball. Nervous about being so "out there" with the wheelchair but I know it's nothing we can't handle. Patience, patience, patience (not a virtue I've ever learned willingly). I miss my dogs a lot and I can't wait to see them again when we return from out trip. And that will be possible because we'll have the car back! Ahhhh, that's been a little rough.


It's all going to be alright.

Transition. Again.

I often wonder just how immersed I was in the military lifestyle. How much did I let it define me? I'd like to think I allowed to be a part of who I was, but didn't let it become an over-powering identifier. I don't know what a cookie cutter military spouse is, but if there is one then I certainly wasn't it. Are they conservative? All want or have children? Display the flag, the pictures, and the books with swelling hearts? Are active in post activities? Maybe I was somewhere in the middle or nowhere near the top of the curve.
 Currently, we have his coins, Purple Heart, Bronze Star, and Medal of Honor book on display. But also, I feel like the fact that we're even here is all the pride I need. What I'm most proud of is how well we're taken care of, and how complete strangers are willing to do so much to lift our moods and provide for us. It's just a different life here at the hospital. I image our future friends and even jobs will be forever connected to Aaron's service, so it will definitely always be a part of our lives. I'm just having a little bit of a convoluted time with the sudden, and initially unwanted, transition into a life absent of being an active duty couple. This is so different from being near a post and having regular unit dealings. It reiterates my opinion that until you've lived the "active duty life" you can't have an preconceived notions on what it is like. Some of the dumbest things I've ever heard came from wives who had yet to live on or near post and deal with the regular Army. We all remember the blog post from the active duty wife in some random town complain about being confused for being a "part-time" National Guard family. She'd never even lived near a post. I think her husband was a recruiter. Anyway, I've actually experienced in real life people having expectations without any real experience. Fortunately, I had a pretty rich independent life (I refuse to say "adult") before marrying into the military, so at least it won't be so foreign to me when we are discharged from this place.

I think I can summarize transitioning out of the military as simply being weird!